Miss America, Caressa Cameron from Virginia.
Now, my regular readers know what a pageant queen I am, but I am pissed and disappointed in Miss America for having that vile, lothsome Rush Limbaugh as a judge this year. Apparently they didn't act on my strongly worded letter to the President of the Miss America organization because Rush was there. I seriously thought about not watching, but I decided that zit on the the anal wart of society wasn't going to take this away from me.
Once in, I almost called a halt to it when Gretchen Carlson of Fake News started introducing the judges. But, she was Miss America in 1935 or something so I'll give them that one. Besides, she looked fat in a hideous green dress that looked like her grandmother stiched it up on her Singer flip and sew.
On with the pageant! Here are my random thoughts, jotted down as Wes and I watched.
Can this please be the last show with I Gotta Feeling from the Black Eye Peas as a theme song? Please? What's next for the song, laxative commercials?
Mario Lopez must have made a deal with the devil to be so insanely cute.
Opening dance number to, you guessed it, I Gotta Feeling. These girls are obviously not dancers. Hate the sandals.
They're introducing themselves and some of them are doing it in a cute way:
Miss Alaska: "I can't see Russia from my house."
Miss Florida: "Tim, I'm single!" You'd have to be a virgin for Mr. Tebow. Can you meet that standard?
Miss Georgia: "I went to the Masters and didn't meet Tiger."
Miss Kentucky: "Home of mah husband, George Clooney."
Miss New Jersey: "I know The Situation."
Moving on...They're choosing the top 15 and the first three are "America's choice." Huh? The last one will be the contestant's choice. How complicated do you want to make it? Anyway, the top 15 are being announced with a brief video clip letting you get to know them.
Miss Oklahoma likes candy. Whatever.
Miss Arkansas wants to pay for law school.
Miss Kentucky wants to do something big with her life.
Miss Tennessee said something but I forget.
Miss Colorado loves ice cream. Come on, she hasn't had any butter pecan since she was three years old.
Miss New Mexico IS "that IT girl." Subtle.
Backstage, Clinton Kelly is talking to some former Miss Americas including Lynda Meade, who was Miss America when I was born. She's here for her 50th anniversary which is impossible since I'm not even close to 50. She looks amazing, though.
Evening gown is on. Miss Oklahoma stumbles a bit, but it's OK. Miss California believes true beauty radiates from within. Profound. Miss Texas slipped. Get it together Miss Texas!
Talent is next, my favorite part! Miss California is in a tutu. Always a good choice. Miss Virginia is belting out Listen from Dreamgirls. Beyonce could learn a thing or two from her. DC and Texas sing opera with mixed results. New Mexico sings from West Side Story, very nice. Miss Lousiana plays piano.
Miss Kentucky is singing and she has the biggest mouth I've ever seen. Seriously. It's like a giant Amazonian snake has unhinged it's jaw and is going to swallow us all up.
Miss Hawaii does the hula and is my favorite. Lovely.
Buh bye Oklahoma and Colorado. No talent competition for you.
It's on to the questions and they're unbelievably lame. Each one should have been asked about same sex marriage! Wouldn't that have been fun? They could have brought out Clinton Kelly as a visual aid.
It's time! Final five! Texas is eliminated. Crap. Ditto Nebraska.
Fourth runner-up: Miss freak mouth Kentucky!
Third runner-up: Miss Louisiana! I kind of liked her and besides, Louisiana has never won. Too bad.
Second runner-up: Miss Tennessee!
First runner-up: Miss California!
Now, Miss Virginia is standing there with New Mexico and Hawaii. One of them will win and the others, well, won't. New Mexico has never won and I really like her. Mario has the winner...it's...
MISS VIRGINIA, CARESSA CAMERON IS YOUR NEW MISS AMERICA!
Her mother is crying her eyes out! It's pandemonium! Caressa Cameron is beautiful and talented and smart. Great choice!