Here are your hosts for the evening, Andy Cohen and Giuliana Rancic! I love Andy and Giuliana! I kind of want to eat him with a spoon. She looks spectacular. But wait, there's more! There's color commentary from Kelly Osborne and a random former Miss USA! Was she the Miss USA who fell at Miss Universe and got booed in Mexico? Whatever, I love Kelly Osborn! This evening is going to be a mash-up of Pageant cheese and Fashion Police! What could be better!?
And the Parade of States is on. I really wish they'd bring back the costumes. I remember one year when Miss South Carolina dressed as a Palmetto tree with lots of green sequins and gigantic green feathers around her head. It doesn't get much better than that. I think she won best costume.
Miss South Carolina is from North Augusta! This has got to be a first. I lived in NA until I was about 12. This reminds me of the time the Miss North Augusta pageant was broadcast on the then-new UHF channel. It was probably '67 or '68. One girl's talent was sewing and another's was water ballet. I would love to find a video of that gem.
Miss Texas is stunning.
There is a contestant named Amber-Joi. Not kidding. I know you're going to be walking across stage in bikinis and heels, but stripper names really aren't appropriate.
OMG! It's the Top 15!
GA! Kaylin was educated at Georgia Perimiter, whatever the F that is.
AZ! Brittany Dawn! She's one of about 5 Brittanys in this year's pageant.
ME! Emily likes shooting and snowmobiling!
UT! Jaime Lynn! I didn't catch her interests, but pencil in hiking and shopping. Safe bets.
TN! Ashley likes Kickboxing.
IN! Jillian was educated at Nova Southeast! This is one brainy group of gals!
TX! About time people! Ana like doughnuts! Whatever, girlfriend.
SC! Courtney from North Augusta! She's a Gamecock! Obviously, she's a lock for the crown.
AL! Madeleine! Roll Tide! Wes is cheering.
NY! Amber graduated from NYU with a 4.0. I'd like to see her in a debate with Miss Nova Southeast and Miss Georgia Perimeter.
HI! Angela likes spear fishing!
FL! Lissette likes to play with dogs! OMG, me too!
MO! Show me, Hope!
CA! Alyssa wants to explore space!
MD: Allyn joins Maine in the random-state-that-won't-win competition.
Wait a minute, what is Giuliana saying? There's one more space? OMG! Unprecedented! Stop the Presses! Who is it?
NM! Another Brittany! She loves shuffleboard!
Now, the introduction of the judges. There's Mariel Hemingway looking good. Rocco DiSpirito looking great. Tyson Chandler who plays on some sort of basketball team (kidding. I'm actually aware of the NBA Champion Mavs). Marcus Allen still looks great. Some real housewife from NJ. A former Miss Universe. Some other people.
Here's your reigning Miss USA, Rima Fakih with a giant tumor on her head and the new, incredibly ornate drag queen crown. What it lacks in taste, it makes up in bling.
Rima is introducing a parade of former titleholders since this is the 60th anniversary of Miss USA! Wait a minute, there's no parade. They're just panning the camera across the seats while the former queens sit there and smile. Would it have been too much to ask to give Miss USA 19frigging54 a moment in the spotlight? Those gals deserved better.
It's swimsuit! [insert catty comments about boobs and butts here. On second thought, don't. They all have such unbelievable bodies that there's nothing to criticize].
OMG! It's time for the Quarter Finalists! Who will it be Andy Cohen?
Sorry New York. You're out. You're very pretty, though.
Miss Congeniality is Miss Kentucky and Miss Photogenic is Miss Arizona! Neither gets to step forward and receive her prize. Bad. Give the girls their moment, people.
It's evening gown and Kelly and random former Miss USA are providing color commentary. We all agree that Miss Texas' dress is unique and beautiful. Miss South Carolina's gown was from the Simplicity Patterns Dynasty Collection circa 1987. Kelly just said Miss Maryland's gown is a Golden Girls dress. I love Kelly. Miss California, Alyssa Campanella, reveals that she's a natural blonde Norwegian who went red after coloring it for a stage roll and liking it. She must be from the Oslo Campanellas.
OMG! It's time top cull some more! Somehow they end up with 4 finalists. Did I miss something? Shouldn't there be five? Miss South Carolina was was totally robbed. The finalists are:
Tennessee! (how did she get this far? She's totally a by-the-book pageant girl).
Apparently there will be two questions this year, an easy, getting to know you question from Andy and Guiliana followed by grilling from the judges. Miss AL says something about inspiring people. Miss TX talks about falling during her first pageant, which she won, thank you very much. Miss TN talks about her trip to Paris. She's a real gal of the people. Miss CA collects history books. She's such a history buff that she watches Game of Thrones. That's enough, Alyssa.
It's now time for the all-important judges question. Where's Perez? CA gets the Real Housewife who asks about legalization of Marijuana. She quibbles and doesn't really answer it, but she's more or less coherent. TN gets Rocco who asks something about the First Amendment. TN clearly doesn't know that she's talking about, but by pageant standards, she does well. TX gets the Weiner question from Mariel. Her answer is the best yet. Not great, but it's all relative. AL gets Tyson and the question is about bullying. I'm not sure she understood the question.
It's Rima Fakih's final walk. That dress looks like she's going back to the pole after she gives up the crown.
LC NY Bureau Chief Doug texts me. We both think it's California's to loose. TX will certainly be 1st RU.
"Tonight's winner receives a collection of laboratory created jewelry." Really? The winner used to get a fur coat and a Camaro. Now she gets crappy costume jewelry?
Thanks a lot, Bob Barker.
The 3rd runner up is Texas! How did that happen? Another robbery.
The 2nd runner up is Alabama! About right.
It's down to California and Backwoods Barbie from Tennessee.
They're "best friends!" How sweet.
California wins!!!! We called it!
She had that winner look all night.