It's Miss Universe!

OK, I know it's been two days since the Miss Universe Pageant, but I'm still convalescing so I'm a bit slow with the blogging.  Sue me.  I figured it's been long enough that I could post a picture of the winner without spoiling it for anyone who DVRed it.  She's Angola's lovely Leila Lopes, seen above being crowned by last year's winner, whoever she was.  Here are my unedited thoughts as the pageant unfurled, LIVE!  FROM SAO PAULO BRAZIL!

Any show that starts out with hot, shirtless Brazilian dancers is OK by me.

Boom!  It's the parade of nations.  You gotta be on time for this pageant.  No dawdling in the kitchen.  You better have your ice cream/white wine/cold fried chicken ready at 8:00 PM sharp or you might miss Miss Aruba.

The gals are in pastel beaded negligees that are short in the front, long in the back.  It's like the losing design from a Project Runway negligee challenge.  Whatever happened to the national costumes?  I want to see Miss Peru dressed like a gigantic bird of prey.

It's Andy Cohen and Natalie Morales, your hosts for the evening.  Natalie "grew up here" and she speaks Portuguese.  Who knew?  Actually, she's more beautiful than most of the contestants.

Andy Cohen's ENTHUSIASM! always seems just a bit desperate, don't you think?

OMG!  It's the TOP 16!

France! 
Kosovo!  She's placed every year since Kosovo's been a country! 
Colombia!  She's got beauty and brains! 
Angola!  Love her hair.  She's the only one who doesn't have Jacklyn Smith circa 1976 hair. 
Australia! 
Puerto Rico!  PR is the Miss Oklahoma of the Miss Universe Pageant. 
Brazil!  Popular with the home crowd. 
Netherlands!  She has a Guiliana Rancic quality.  Just saying. 
USA!  Gorgeous redhead. 
Ukraine!
Panama! 
Costa Rica!  The Latin ladies really dominate Miss U. 
Portugal!  She's the one voted in by the fans.  Mother country and all, you know. 
Philippines!  I bet these guys are excited.
Venezuela!  She looks pissed that she had to wait so long.  Miss V is the Miss Texas of the Miss Universe Pageant.  She doesn't hope to win, she expects to win.

This is the 60th anniversary of the Miss Universe pageant and they noted it with a 30 second montage of crowning moments.  That's it.  No parade of past queens.  They could have cut out one of the interminable travelogues of "The State of Sao Paulo" or "Brasilia, Federal District" and paid proper homage.
 
It's the judges!  Helio from Dancing with the Stars.  Vivica A. Fox looking a bit mummified.  Miss U 2003, a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills (hopefully not the one whose husband just committed suicide), former TX gubernatorial candidate Farouk Shami, a model, Lea Salonga (!), some handsome football executive or something, and Connie Chung, resurrected.

So, the national costumes were earlier this week and we only get to see the top 10 briefly.  What a gyp.

It's insider beauty tips from Farouk Shami!

It's swimsuit!  These swimsuits get smaller and smaller each year.  Eventually, they'll come out naked with high heels.  I'm more interested in the hot, shirtless Brazilian gladiators or whatever they are.  In any case, these girls are too skinny.  They pose with their hands on their protruding pelvic bones.

On the upside, the swimsuit competition features some Brazilian singer and a bevy of hot, shirtless, bald Brazilian dancers (clickable pic):

Miss Congeniality is Miss Montenegro!  She doesn't smile.
Miss Photogenic is Miss Sweden!  She smiles.

Now, it's time to cull six girls and announce the top ten:

Australia!
Costa Rica!
France!
Brazil!
Ukraine!
Portugal!  Upset!  She's the one voted in by the fans, not the judges.
Panama!
Philippines!
Angola!
China!
No Miss USA.  I would have picked her over France, Ukrane, Portugal, or Australia.  Too bad.  Shake it off, it's evening gown.

Australia is in a beautiful, beaded, diaphanous gown.
Costa Rica's red satin is very dramatic and maximizes her boobage.  It's what it's all about, folks.
France is in a rather cheap looking white number with cut-outs.  It's more Miss Missouri Pageant than Miss Universe Pageant.
Ukraine is in a white Grecian number. Nice.
Portugal is in deep crimson.  It's sexy without being obvious.  Take note, France.
Panama is in white with mirrors.  Don't love it.  Another Project Runway reject.
Philippines is in another diaphanous beaded gown.  It's very revealing and sexy. 
Angola is looking gorgeous in sequins.  It's cut down to there and slit up to here:

China is in a classic red pageant gown.  She's seriously tall. 
Brazil is pretty in yellow.

OMG!  It's already time for the top five!
Ukraine!  Really?  Don't get it.
Philippines!  Lovely.
China!  Tall
Brazil!  Haven't they pandered to the home crowd enough? 
Angola!  This girl has serious momentum. 

It's question time.  The questions are mostly mundane.  Where is Perez Hilton when you need him?  Philippines says something about God. Angola speaks in Portuguese and the crowd eats it up.  Angola and Brazil share the same mother country and obviously there's a kinship.  Besides, she's absolutely beautiful.

Miss Universe takes her last walk.  Obviously, sheer and diaphanous gowns are on trend in the pageant world, as Nina Garcia might say.

OMG, Andy has the results!   Here they are!

4th runner up:  China.  She blew the question.
3rd runner up:  Philippines.  I would have put her in the top 2 with Angola.
2nd runner up:  Brazil.
1st runner up:  Ukrane.  I never got her.

THE NEW MISS UNIVERSE IS MISS ANGOLA!  THE CROWD GOES CRAZY!  The camera immediately goes to Andy and Natalie and we hardly get a moment to see the new queen.  Boom, it's over.