The show's just begun, and Ricky's already making Beaver jokes (ed. note: this was his best moment in the show). "No smut or innuendo. And I’m not to libel anyone. And I must not mention Mel Gibson this year. Not his private life, his politics, his recent films or especially not Jodie Foster’s Beaver. I haven’t seen it myself. I’ve spoken to a lot of guys – they haven’t seen it either but that doesn’t mean it’s not good.” Jodie's a good sport and actually seems to be enjoying it.
Next up are Gerard Butler looking like a smarmy used car salesman and Mila Kunis with a sheer bodice. Supporting actor to Christopher Plummer! Well deserved even he was clearly in a leading role. He gave a moving speech and his wife of 42 years is stunning!
Ashton shaved and cut his hair! He looks like jail bait. I prefer him with the beard. Elle McPherson is a sex goddess. Best TV comedy actress is Laura Dern. Like her, like her show, but she's clearly not the "best" in this field.
Miss Golden Globe is the lovely daughter of "actress Andie McDowell."
Best Mini Series is, of course, Downton Abbey, which I am DVRing as we speak.
Best Actress in a Mini Series is Kate Winslet. It feels like she's been picking up trophies for Mildred Pierce for two years.
Now we are being treated to Jeremy Irons and the President of the Hollywood Foreign Press, Dr. Irena Taco Heine. My spelling may be off.
OMG IT'S JAKE!
He can feel me watching him and knows I'm the perfect man for him. I just know it.
Actor in a TV Drama is Kelsey Grammer for some show I have no intention of watching.Best TV Drama is Homeland. I don't get Showtime.
I just added a 3-way with Adam Levine and Jimmy Fallon to my bucket list.
Original Score goes to The Artist. Take THAT Kim Novak!
Orignial Song goes to
Katharine McPhee looks young and fresh. Debra Messing looks like Norma Desmond.
Best Actor in a Mini Series is Idris Elba for something I've never heard of. He looks good, though.
It's Seth Rogan and Kate Beckinsale's boobs. Seth says "I'm trying to conceal a massive erection." Finally! Someone is trying to have some fun tonight! Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical is Michelle Williams for "the hilarious comedy" My Week With Marilyn. Another well deserved award. I loved her performance.
Sarah Michelle Geller comes out in a gigantic ink blot of a dress and announces Supporting Actor in a TV series. It's Peter Dinklage. Never seen the show.
George Clooney works the cane better than Brad Pitt. He gets more and more handsome as the years go by.
Jessica Alba, looking pretty, and Channing Tatum, unfortunately dressed (nothing wrong with the tux, it's just unfortunate that he's dressed) give out Animated Feature to TinTin.
I really want Ewan McGregor to fuck me. Is that too much to ask?
I could do a 3-way with Clive Owen and Nicole Kidman. My bucket list is filling up. Screenplay goes to Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris. Shockingly, he's not there to accept the award.
Jessica Lange wins Supporting TV Actress. Damn Straight. She was beyond in American Horror Story. She won a Globe for King Kong? Who knew?
Madge comes out to present. Her own Golden Globes are about to pop. That bodice looks painful. She's not exactly a good sport about Ricky Gervais' Like a Virgin comment. "If I'm still like a virgin, why don't you come out and do something about it? I haven't kissed a girl in a few years....on TV." Did she just call Ricky Gervais a girl? She gives out Foreign Film to A Separation from Iran.
The camera is panning all the Actress, TV Drama nominees. Madeleine Stowe's face is tight as a drum. Must be all the pilates and good nutrition. Claire Danes wins for Homeland, or maybe she's still collecting trophies for Temple Grandin. Hard to tell.
It's Tina Fey and Jane Lynch! Two of my fave funny ladies. Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical is Matt Leblanc. He is one hot man. He has transformed himself from cute Friend to serious masturbation material.
Bradley Cooper is giving out Supporting Actress Movie. Remember him from Globe Trekker? One word: fuckable.
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| A young and fresh Bradley Cooper on Globe Trekker with an unknown naked guy. |
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| Bradley today. A touch of douche, don't you think? |
Reese Witherspoon is looking Just Fucked with a red mermaid dress that just crosses the hootch line.
Sidney Poitier gets a deserved standing ovation. He doesn't appear well. He's giving the lifetime achievement award to Morgan Freeman. I guess this show really is going to go on for 3 hours. Time for a pottie break. Should I open that other bottle of champagne? Wait, here comes Helen Mirren to breathe some life into this show. My bucket list just got one more entry. You know she'd be blistering in the sack.
The stunning Movie Goddess Angelina Jolie presents Best Director to Martin Scorsese for Hugo.
Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderis. I love the skin he's in. He has the world's greatest plastic surgeon. You'd think he'd pass the doc's number on to his wife. They give out TV Comedy to Modern Family. Love.
Michelle Pfeiffer is looking radiant.
Marky Mark comes out with
The Queen introduces The Help. Was she at Jodie Foster's table?
"The evil Colin Firth." Cute bit, Ricky, but seriously, you need to ramp it up. There's still time to save this thing. Colin awards Best Actress Drama to Meryl Streep. She seems genuinely surprised. She gave a great performance in a good film.
Jane Fonda is the hottest bitch in the room. She gives Best Movie Comedy or Musical to The Artist!
The exquisite Natalie Portman awards Best Actor Drama to Clooney. Clooney tells Michael Fassbender that he could play golf with his huge schlong! Way to loosen up the crowd, George! Obviously I should see Shame. I'm still not interested in seeing The Descendants.
Harrison Ford, who seems to be from the same home as Sidney Poitier, awards Best Movie Drama to The Descendants. I'm still not interested in seeing that movie.
Finally! It's all over folks!
6 comments:
It was fun, and I LOVE Jane Fonda.
Sam unplugged! I loved your review of the Golden Globes! I wish you would do this more. Did you see the 90th birthday party for Betty White? I would love to hear what you thought of Mary Tyler Moore. I am sure that wasn't here but one of those annomontic fright creatures from a carnival horror house.
By the way, wasn't that a hoot seeing the mop headed Peter Dinklage make his way to the stage looking like a lost bichon frise dog? A lot of hair and deep DEEP voice still doesn't make up for the fact that he is SHORT. I too was very glad that Octavia Spencer won for best supporting actress. She is fabulous! I was disappointed however that Viola Davis (I love her name) didn't win for best actress. And didn't our girl Meryl commit a faux pas by calling Viola "my girl?" And also like you, I have no desire to see "The Descendants". Lousy title, can't be a good movie. I've already seen "The Help" three times. I may see it again. Looking forward to your next review! You got talent Sam! Mr. Blackwell, step aside. Oh, that's right. He's pushing daisies isn't he?
Now it's Ron unplugged! Thanks!
Hi My name is Tim, an american living in rural france.
I did not get to see the awards and this was a really nice treat! Thanks for putting the names under the fancy dresses as I don't know a lot of new comers.
If I had any pull in Hollywood, I would throw your name into the hat to host next year. Really.
Merci Theaterdog!
Excellent coverage, Chief!
YES, now that Ricky is stepping aside, I back Theaterdogs's suggestion that YOU be the next host(ess). We need to contact Bob Mackie pronto to begin sketching designs.
My GG thoughts in response to your GG thoughts....
** Ricky...not as funny as last year. I didn't love the beaver comments, but Jodie seemed to be rolling with it. So if it's OK with JF, guess it's OK with me.
** Ashton...I prefer him with his bad boy longer hair. Regardless, he's so damn cute.
** Elle McPherson...why was she there? She must host some reality show? Liked the dress though George on "Fashion Police" was highly critical.
** Jake G....perfection!
** Adam Levine and Jimmy Fallon and your bucket list...giggling!
** Madonna...dress was pretty'ish but too tight in the boobage...and her speech was ridiculous. Every time she referred to "my film," I rolled my eyeballs dramatically.
** Katharine McPhee...I think she's kind of vanilla. Perhaps "Smash" will change my view.
** Michelle Williams...I love Meryl, but I think I would have to cast my Oscar vote for MW's Marilyn.
** George Clooney...if Angelina epitomizes Female Movie Star, then George wins Male Movie Star. Loved his comment about Michael Fassbinder's big dick in "Shame." When oh when might GC come out? Always feel kind of sorry for his girlfriends.
** Jessica Alba...when I think of the great thespians, she doesn't make the top 5000. Pretty but generic.
** Channing Tatum...like Jessica, he's pretty but generic. Looks like just another hunky farm kid from Olney, IL.
** Clive Owen...long time, no see.
** Woody Allen...I adored his charming "Midnight in Paris," though question that it was the best screenplay of the year.
** Matt LeBlanc...total agreement with you.
** Bradley Cooper...always strikes me as cocky. So, I agree, chief: I smell some douche fumes.
** Octavia Spencer...glad she won. When asked what she had been doing on GG night one year before, she said she'd collected the money for the awards pool at her friend's GG party. That inspired me. In one year, she went from just another gal trying to get by and a year later she was begowned and cluting a GG. Marvelous!
** Modern Family...good. I still enjoy it, though I don't find season three to be as funny as the first two seasons.
** Antonio B....why oh why is he with that awful Melanie Person? She looks like Waylon Flowers' Madame puppet.
** Michelle Pfieffer...gorgeous! Why doesn't she work more? Of course, she married well, so perhaps she's in her Ladies Who Lunch phase?
** Jean Dujardin...makes me moist. The accent! The charm! The nose! Scrumptious!
** Meryl...I love her, and she is spectacular in "The Iron Lady." But her speech was a miss, and her dress looked like it had come from the Dale Evans' Cowgirl line.
** Jane Fonda...wow, wow, and WOW! I want her surgeon...stat!
** "The Artist"...wonderful movie, but the best of the year?
** "The Descendants"...I didn't like it...boring. But I'm clearly in the minority as most of my buddies loved it. I cannot imagine its winning the Oscar, though I think Clooney will win.
That's it.
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