Miss America is back on network TV where she belongs! ABC is so much more worthy than random basic cable networks.
It's your hosts, "Brook Burke Charvet" and random cute guy. Text from LC NY Bureau Chief Doug, "BB is so hot even I would fuck her, and have you seen her husband?"
Here's your Miss America, Teresa Scanlon, with the biggest teeth I've ever seen.
Why are they doing the parade of states on Hoover Dam? Now they're on the roof of a hotel in a windstorm, gamely trying to remember their choreography and smile in the face of gale force winds. Who thought this was a good idea?
AL looks like a classic Miss Alabama.
Bless AK's heart. I hope she had a nice week.
MI is here to rev your engine.
MS is named Mary Margaret. Of course she is.
NY has a Charlotte from Sex and the City vibe.
NC is Cute.
OH is not.
SC was the home of the first opera in America.
TN really can't dance.
Is ME the pageant's first trans contestant? Don't tell Glaad I said that.
Why is NJ in a medical smock? She looks like she's trying to sell me some Clinique.
ND is one cornfed gal.
OR is here to Just Do It!
Miss Texas looks like a winner!
Brook Burke Charvet says there are lots of changes, so hang on! I'm hanging! OMG, it's the semi-finalists already and the first one is chosen by you!
It's Miss OK, Betty Thompson! Isn't she a total Betty?
Now, before they introduce the rest of the semi-finalists, they're introducing the judges. Brook Burke Charvet was right! So many changes! Good thing I'm hanging on!
Mark Balas looks incredibly fuckable. I'm serious. Kris Jenner, whatever. Teri Polo with some unfortunate tattoos. Lara Spencer looking gorgeous. Some others.
Now, finally, the rest of the semi-finalists and the first is SC! Yay! She's lost a ton of weight and she looks hot!
FL!
NY! Hot and poised.
IA! Her name is Jessica Pray. Not kidding.
TX! Whoop Whoop!
VA!
IL! Lovely.
AZ!
AL!
TN!
WI!
The also-rans are being interviewed by Brook Burke Charvet. Miss Colorado is fine because "we're all here for God. It's in God's hands." Is God glued to his big-screen like Wes and I are?
We're not through with the semi-finalists yet! They're really, really stretching this. Next up is NC! Then CA! Then LA! She says if she wins she'll pull a Tebow. Let's hope she doesn't win.
Kris Jenner is impressed with a girl with an amazing work ethic. Why do you hate your daughters, Kris?
Your reining Miss America Teresa Scanlon welcomes a butt load of former Miss Americas who are not introduced and not shown on camera. What a diss.
OMG! Swimsuit and Fitness!
OK knows how to shake it.
SC is on fire!
NY is spectacular. She's a gorgeous girl.
TX is the girl next door.
VA is more Courtney Stodden than Phyllis George.
IL is going to bounce her boobs off.
AZ is going to stomp through the stage.
AL majored in prick teasing at Auburn.
CA can work a bikini like true California girl.
LA is pretty, but graceful she is not.
The others didn't really register with me.
It's another cut! NC, VA and AL are outta here. But wait, maybe not! The other contestants get to choose who stays by lining up behind their favorite girl. A smattering of girls line up behind NC and VA but it's a mob scene behind AL. How embarrassing for NC and VA. That's the tackiest display since Miss Oklahoma 196something danced the dying swan with a big smile on her face and feathers on her huge butt.
Brook Burke Charvet ran into that miserable bitch Gretchen Carlson on the way to the dressing tents and had a brief gab to give the gals a minute to change into evening gown.
IL: Classic, sequined pageant gown.
SC: Winners wear white. It's way over-accessorized.
NY: A queen.
TN: She irritates Doug.
AZ: A touch of hootch.
TX: Statuesque, glittery. Pageant perfection.
CA: Sexy without being hootchie. Take note, AZ.
AL: She has a hideous growth on her shoulder and a she talks like Hee Haw Betty Boop.
There were others, but they didn't register strong enough for comments.
Boom, evening gown is over and they're back in their talent costumes.
AZ is doing a jazz dance! I love a no-talent girl who does a jazz dance!
IL is next. Will she jump on a trampoline? No, it's ballet en pointe. They're always "en pointe" at Miss America.
OK does an Irish step dance. She's pretty good.
FL attempts opera. I like her, but my ears may bleed.
TX plays the piano. Lots of dramatic chords so the audience can't tell if she flubs. Classic pageant piano number. She leaning over like she's going to take a bite out of the Steinway.
WI is another opera singer. She's no Christine Brewer. A contemporary number would have suited her much better.
NY steps up in a WTF tie-died dress and sings a song called "Disneyland." All those dramatic hand gestures can't hide a weak voice. I think she just lost the crown.
LA is doing a "contemporary dance en point to Sway." There's nothing like a pageant girl with no sense of rhythm, hoofing it on stage.
SC is eliminated! There are boos! How does it feel to be booed, Kris Jenner! I hate the way they eliminate girls after they've come onstage in their talent costumes.
TN does Memory from Cats in Italian? This is a serious WTF moment. I guess she wanted to demonstrate that she can sing in Italian, so she choose Cats? My ears are actually bleeding. Italian or not, she's no Betty Lynn Buckley.
IA does something that doesn't register. Singing maybe?
CA is dancing Swan Lake en pointe. She's actually pretty good. She might be the best talent. She has banished my memory of Miss Oklahoma 196something and her smiling, dying swan and feathered butt.
Another quick change and it's on to questions! If you don't get called for a question, you're out.
First up is WI who is smart and vague. Good move. Keep it vague.
OK gave an OK answer on obesity.
AZ got a Tebow question. She did all right.
NY. I have no idea what she just said, but she said it with conviction.
CA. Didn't register.
OMG they're ready for the final countdown! Things are moving fast! Drum roll please....
4th Runner up: Miss California. Robbed. She should have finished stronger.
3rd Runner up: Miss Arizona. Meh.
2nd Runner up: Miss New York. I called it at talent. She was my favorite of the top 5, though.
Now, Miss Wisconsin and Miss Oklahoma are center stage, holding their trembling hands. And the first runner up is....
MISS OKLAHOMA! MISS WISCONSIN IS YOUR NEW MISS AMERICA! Wait, who? Was Wisconsin still in this? Doug and I agreed that she never made an impression on either of us, but I guess she made an impression on Kris Jenner, Mark Balas and Teri Polo. Good night from Planet Hollywood!
8 comments:
Darn! I missed this! From the Fifties and Sixties I never used to miss the beauty pageants. It was a sad day when they began to deglamorize the Miss America pageant by having them wear pants-suits! That's when I stopped watching. Then even sadder when the pageant was taken off the network TV. I know why, because they were no longer glamorize and concentrated too much on them not being beauty pageants but "scholarship pageants" (give me a break). I'm glad they're back.
Sam, I am pretty sure the 'pagent' was held at the Planet Hollywood resort. It was once the Aladdin Hotel. My ears didn't bleed but I do have a mild headache this morning.
I do believe you're right, Mike. I think part of the parade of states was filmed on the roof of the Palms, thus my confusion.
Hope you checked and adjusted the settings on the Fabulousmeter before the Golden Globes. If you don't reset the frequency and the amplitudes are in sync and add, there could be a tear in the universe (as we know it) and a new Black Hole will form.
It was such a complex production. I can see how one could get confused. HA, I can't keep a straight face saying that.
It was such a complex production. I can see how one could get confused. HA, I can't keep a straight face saying that.
Excellent coverage, Chief! Again, I will say that this is the first time EVER that I watched a Miss America win the title...and have zero recollection of her throughout the two-hour pageant. I don't remember a thing about her. Wait! Was she in that hideous black dress with the giant bow on the shoulder?
Furthermore, I think it's the first time ever I watched that I didn't cheer on one or a few of the girls. Actually, I did like Miss Florida, the cute Asian girl, for the simple reason that she had the balls to wear short'ish hair, a Miss America sin of epic proportions.
Rather, I did the flip: I jeered Miss Colorado for that It's-Now-Up-to-Jesus idiocy and Miss Tennessee.
I love seeing the former Miss Americas. So not to introduce them was, in my opinion, a SIN!
One final observation: I have never seen such glow-in-the-dark white teeth! [Miss Tennessee won the prize here...my eyesballs throbbed when she smiled.] That must now be standard Miss America procedure, huh?
new york was my favorite as well.
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