SAG Needs (The) Help

I watched the SAG Awards last night so you didn't have to.  I love an awards show even if it's a boring one which is a good thing because I found the SAGs dull.  Did you?  I thought it was strictly by the book.  A beautiful man and a beautiful woman come out, read the teleprompter, give out an award, the winner expresses pride in being an actor and a SAG member, then on to the next one.  The SAG Awards aren't fun and trashy like the Globes and they don't have the ultra glam of the Oscars.  But, when a red carpet is televised, I'm there, so here are my random thoughts recorded in real time:

First up is Michelle Williams who looks incredible in Valentino red. 

That dress suits her perfectly.  She gives Outstanding Supporting Male Actor to Christopher Plummer for his leading role in Beginners.  I loved him in this film and he richly deserves all these accolades.  He is such a lock for the Big O.

Clooney and Shailene Woodly in a lovely, youthful floral gown.  It's evocative of Hawaii and thus so appropriate for her.  Home run for Shailene.  They're giving Outstanding Supporting Female Actor (God, these category names are tediously PC) to Octavia Spencer for The Help.  Again, well deserved and she is also an Oscar lock.  Love her dress.  She's got the best stylist in Hollywood for dressing zaftig gals.  Her speech is lovely and selfless and focused on the writers.  She even included a thank you to Medgar Evers.  No doubt she was speaking to the Oscar voters and telling them that she would be Oscar worthy should she win.  Smart girl.

Dallas' own Regina King and husband material Kyle Chandler present Outstanding Female Actor in a TV Comedy to Betty White.  So, the Betty White fetish is still alive and well in Hollywood.  Don't misread me, I love Betty White, but for God's sake people, she gets it.  We love her.  She doesn't have to get every award until she dies.

Quick pan to Julie Bowen slugging back some wine.

Jessica Chastain in a pretty but dull green sheath introduces a nice tribute to SAG members around the country starting with the guy who got his brains blown out by an air gun in No Country For Old Men.

Best TV Comedy Ensemble of Female Actors and Male Actors Who Are Equally Valid Regardless of Gender goes to Modern Family.  Love it. 

Cute bit with the 3 talented kids.  So much work went into this acceptance speech that I kinda think they expected to win.

Are we bored yet?

Glenn Close and Kenneth Branagh.  He looks incredible.  She looks glamorous from the waist up.  Not too sure about the mermaid at the bottom.  Best Actor With Ovaries in a TV Movie or Miniseries.  Will it be Kate Winslet who's been collecting awards for Mildred Pierce since Joan Crawford was alive?  Yes it is!  She's not here, so Glenn will accept it on her behalf, blah blah blah.  Emily Watson looks either pissed or bored.  Hard to tell.

The three leading ladies from The Help come out.

Viola looks like a million bucks in her Grecian Goddess gown.  She may be at the SAGs, but she sure ain't sagging.  Charlize Theron was right, she is hot as shit.

Check it out, Armie Hammer got bailed out of his Texas jail in time to gell his hair and get on stage.  He really is a dreamboat, criminal record or not.  He and Zoe represent a whole lot of good genes in one place.  Best Actor With Testicles in a TV Movie or Miniseries.  Guy Pierce is delicious, isn't he?  He lost to Paul Giamatti who isn't even there.  Armie says he'll keep it. 

White Shadow is president of SAG?   He announces that the show is being broadcast to "America's armed forces around the world."  Glamorous awards shows on Armed Forces TV?  I guess Don't Ask/Don't Tell really has been repealed.

Long speech about SAG and AFTRA uniting.  Time for a pottie break.

It's the Bridesmaids with booze. 

Finally, somebody is trying to loosen things up.

Here's Dick Van Dyke with a very touching tribute to Mary Tyler Moore.  She gets the Lifetime Achievement Award.  People, MTM isn't well.  She's already at the podium when the camera hits her, so we didn't see her walking up.  She is clearly having trouble reading from the teleprompter even though her speech is very short.  Pregnant pause.  She's not walking off and nobody seems to know what to do. Dick saves it by giving her a kiss.  Cut to commercial.  There's a reason why we didn't see Mary walking and she doesn't want us to know what that is.  She's been diabetic for so long and she's obviously frail.  It's so sad to see America's Sweetheart like this.

Outstanding Biologically Female Actor Not Actress Because We Do Not Bow To The Patriarchy in A TV Drama is Jessica Lange for American Horror Story.  Love love love her in this show.  She's one sexy gal.

It's Berenice Bejo and Jean Dujardin.  He's a sexy beast.

Tina Fey in black and Jon Krasinski.  Outstanding Male But Sensitive to the Injustices Suffered by Females Actor in a TV Drama.  There's a nominee named Patrick J. Something from some show called Suits.  Never heard of it, but he is totally cute.  The Winner is Steve Buscemi who brings his glass of wine to the podium.  Tina steals it and drinks it when he thanks Scorsese.  Cute.

Not loving Meryl's gown.  Adds 30 pounds.  She introduces the death reel.

It's the Dallas cast!  They've been filming here.  Linda Gray looks unbelievable.  Seriously.  I don't believe it.  She's a bit spastic when she speaks, which might be because her skin is so tight, but if that's the price to pay to look that good, sign me up.  Best TV Drama Ensemble of Actors With Ovaries and Testicles is Boardwalk Empire.  I probably should get around to watching that some day.  I hate Gretchen Mol's dress.

Southern Methodist University's own Kathy Bates and Dallas' Own Owen Wilson introduce a clip from Midnight in Paris which won't win, but I loved it.

Exquisite Natalie Portman in the color of the night, plum.  Meh.  Outstanding but Not Best Because We Are All Artists Who Wouldn't Dream of Calling Anyone Best Male Actor in a Leading Role goes to Sexy Beast Jean Dujardin.  He stumbles over his English which makes me love him even more.

Ben Kingsley introduces Outstanding Female...oh to hell with it, BEST ACTRESS to Viola! "Ain't you tired Miss Hilly?" 

Best Picture goes to The Help!  It's a mini-upset! 

That's all folks.  See you at the Oscars in 4 weeks!