BAFTA BLASTA

I decided not to watch the Grammys since the only category I might possibly be interested in was Best Broadway Cast Recording and I didn't want to sit through three hours of girlfriend-beater Chris Brown and AIDS deniers Foo Fighters to see it.  Congrats, Adele.  Instead, I watched the BAFTAs and, as usual, here are my random thoughts scribbled down in real time between bites of Veal Short Rib Pizza and sips of Sophia.

The show starts with 30 minutes of red carpet and it really ought to be called the blue carpet because this is London in February and those celebs must be freezing their balls off.

Speaking of balls (as in chicks with), Christina Hendricks is out there in a strapless black number that makes her look like the St. Pauli Girl in mourning.  And not in a good way.  Do her boobs really have to be shoved right up under her chin at every opportunity? 

Everybody else looked OK, especially Jean Dujardin who will be my next husband.  Don't tell my current husband.

The "Orange British Academy Film Awards" show starts with "Sir Tom Jones" and a tribute to "50 Years of James Bond."  His voice is powerful and he hits the high notes with ease.  Sir Tom has a cotton-top and a white beard, but otherwise he looks exactly the same as he did on Ed Sullivan 45 years ago.  I'm tempted to throw my panties at him.

Why is this show "Orange?"

And now, your host for the evening, Mr. Stephen Fry.  I've been a big fan since he played Oscar Wilde.  He's one of our people, you know.  Actually, both of them are.

"Brad, be a lovely darling and blow us a kiss.  A nation's hearts flutter, or is it just mine?"  This is why I love Stephen Fry.  Brad is game and looking good.  That kiss was meant for me.

I kinda feel like the show's been on for an hour and they're just getting to the first award.  It's presented by - get ready for a blast from the past - Cuba Gooding, Jr.  I keep waiting for some explanation for why they picked Cuba to be the first presenter, like does he have a movie out or something?  No explanation presents itself.  Don't get me wrong, I like Cuba well enough, it just seems like a strangely random choice.  Anyhoo, he presents special visual effects to the latest Harry Potter epic.  This is a big departure from the US awards shows which always start out with supporting actor or actress.  The Brits don't have to start out with a bang, a wimper is just fine with them, thank you very much.  Besides, special effects guys are so much more interesting than some glamorous Hollywood actress, don't you think? 

"Spank me twice if we haven't gotten to Production Design."  Forget Jean Dujardin, I think Stephen Fry should be my next husband.  The presenter is Viola Davis in hot pink...again.  I forgot who won.  Probably Harry Potter.  Let's just go with that.

"The pulsating and riveting" Helena Bonham Carter.  She's there to present Best Supporting Actor to Christopher Plummer.  He's not there.  He's probably in LA campaigning for the Oscar.  I think they should give it to the runner-up, but that's not how they play it.

"Outstanding British Film" goes to Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Spy, which obviously strikes a chord with the home-town audience.

"We've presented the yin of supporting actor, we must now present the yang of supporting actress."  The presenter is Daniel Radcliffe who I just want to tuck into my pocket.  Actually, I want him to talk about those 3-ways with groupies that have been all over the gossip rags lately, but I doubt that'll come up.

They actually showed the Melissa McCarthy poop clip.  That probably won't be her Oscar clip.  The winner is Octavia!  She looks fabulous, as usual, in a mannish, crisp white blouse and a glam ruffled long black skirt.  She has looked amazing at every appearance this entire awards season.

"Jeremy Irving and Christina Ricci" present screenplay.  Ricci seems like another random pick.  I guess she's big in Britain.  The award goes to The Artist.

I don't care what Stephen Fry says, Billy Bob Thornton is not "almost mythical," unless he was referring to his career for the last 5 or so years.  Let's see, we've seen Cuba, Christina Ricci, and now Billy Bob as presenters.  This show is like a Vanity Fair Hollywood Edition cover from 1997.  Billy Bob presents some sort of lifetime achievement award to John Hurt who truly deserves it.  What an actor.   

Wednesday's Child Adam Deacon

"The Orange Wednesday's Rising Star Award" (I swear that's what they call it) goes to Adam Deacon who I've never heard of before.  He's got a certain rough trade sex appeal. 

Paul Bettany steps off that '97 Vanity Fair cover and presents best documentary.  It goes to Senna.

Death reel.  Time for a refill.

Jon Hamm looking delicious comes out and seems really nervous.  I think it's just an act.  He made a fart joke.  Leave it to the American to keep it classy.  Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Spy wins a screenplay award.   "I'd like to thank The Artist for not being adapted from a book." 

It's Brad Pitt presenting Best Director.  It's Michel HazMat-a-juice for The Artist.

Best Actress will be presented by "the Colin they call Firth."  Colin comes out looking fine and calls the category one in which "I've been grievously overlooked."  Love him. Meryl Streep wins and is so shocked that she looses her shoe.  Colin recovers it with aplomb.

 
Speaking of Maggie Thatcher, Meryl says "The fate of the well-known is to be misunderstood."  She's a smart gal, that Meryl.

Penelope Cruz in some sort of awkward boob-flap gown presents Best Actor to gorgeous Jean Dujardin.  Drool.

Max Von Sydow comes out to present another lifetime achievement award.  This is the second of the night.  I'm now beginning to understand why the Academy Awards moved honorary Oscars to another night.  This one goes to Martin Scorsese who I'm pretty sure has collected a lifetime achievement award from every awards show including the Kids Choice Awards.  How many lifetimes does he have?  Is he a cat?

Jackman and friend.

Hugh Jackman comes out looking so hot in a beard that I practically wet myself.  Oh yeah, Russell Crowe is with him.  Best Picture goes to The Artist!

Good night everybody!