Smashcaps: Come On Eileen

Eileen pours out her troubles to Rough Trade Bartender Boyfriend

This episode was hyped as the week when the Movie Star would be revealed. What a come-on.  More later.

The show began with a group of whiny-ass investors in the rehearsal space bitching and moaning because the promised Movie Star wasn't there.  Eileen tells them that her flight was cancelled from Cuba and she'll be there ASAP.  She tells Derek that the Movie Star won't leave Cuba without her Cuban assistant who can't get out of the country.  No really, that's the story.  Cuba.  

Derek, Eileen, Julia and frog-faced Tom make Karen the understudy to Marilyn and tell her she gets to rehearse as Marilyn until the Movie Star arrives.  Ivy is, of course, not even considered for this after her drug and booze binge last week.  Speaking of which, Ivy is now out of Heaven and Earth and  Frog-faced Tom tells her that she can't get arrested in this town anymore, or words to that effect.  Ivy seems to be plotting her return although it's unclear just how she'll manage this.  Meanwhile, she's not too sad because she's banging Derek regularly and he's being totally sweet to her since he's not directing her any more.

Gorgeous John the Republican boyfriend sees Tom have a laugh with Sam the straight acting gay.  Tom touches Sam on the arm in a really butch way. 

Gorgeous John at the moment when he realizes his frog-faced boyfriend loves a straight-acting gay.

Gorgeous John immediately knows that Tom loves Sam and not him.  Don't ask me why, I don't make the rules of soap opera.  Later, after seeing fake Broadway show End of Daze, John tells Tom that he knows he really loves Sam and "lights up like a candle" when he's around Sam.  Sam club members always bring that out in guys.  It's a burden.  Anyway, Gorgeous John immediately leaves, presumably to find a better-looking boyfriend who's actually good in bed.  

Julia and sullen son talk about Brian d'Arcy James, who left the cheating bitch last week.  Julia is swilling down a fishbowl-sized glass of red wine.  When sullen son leaves the room, Julia snoops in his iPhone to get Brian's number.  Whore.

Later, Julia and Tom go to see a production of their first show, Three on a Match, in some high school gym somewhere and Julia runs out dramatically because she's so upset over Brian leaving her.  Whatever, I'm upset that Brian d'Arcy James is so wasted in this show.  Why isn't he singing?

Raza Jaffrey officially looses the press secretary job, probably because he kept his shirt on throughout the interview process.  If he had vowed to conduct all press conferences shirtless, he'd be Mr. Press Secretary right now.  Actually, Shirtless Press Secretary Starring Raza Jaffrey is a brilliant idea for a spin-off! Wait, even better, "Press Secretary by day, Stripper by night, Raza Jaffrey stars in Press This!"  I really should pitch that to NBC.  

So, Raza is feeling down on himself since he didn't get Press Secretary and he comes home to find Derek just leaving their building!  Derek made a special trip to their apartment just to apologize to Karen for coming on to her in the first episode.  It's totally out of character but the writers had to figure out some way to get him and Raza together.  Raza punches out Derek, spewing testerone all over the place.  Later, Raza asks Karen if she would leave New York with him if he got a job in another city.  She says "New York is where my dream is," or whatever and he gets pissed and storms out.  What an asshole.  He keeps his shirt on the entire time. 

Eileen humiliating distinguished Broadway investors.

Eileen's investors are getting all pissy because the Movie Star is still in Cuba (just go with it)  They're threatening to yank their money, making demands, and generally stressing out Eileen.  She goes to her favorite Lower East Side dive bar and pours out her troubles to her hunky, rough trade bartender boyfriend.  Rough Trade reaches behind the bar and pulls out a gigantic block of cash.  It wasn't in a safe or anything, it was just on a shelf in the bar, next to the olives.  He says that "a bar has to be liquid in more ways than one."  She is thrilled and totally ready to do him (as am I), but she's enough of a tease to tell him this isn't enough for her to be rid of the investors.  Rough Trade just happens to know a legendary rocker dude named Randy Cobra.  No really, that's his name.  Randy Cobra gives her a gazillion dollars without hesitation because Rough-trade is tapping her.  Eileen calls the whiny-ass investors down to the dive bar where she doesn't just burn her bridges with them, she goes all Bride on the River Kwai on them.  Randy Cobra literally sets their contracts on fire in front of their very eyes, violating God knows how many fire codes, while doing something vulgar with his tongue and generally humiliating these distinguished Broadway investors in public.  Apparently, Randy Cobra will finance every show Eileen will ever try to mount in the future because no other investor will ever work with her again.  But hey, she's got the bucks for Bombshell and she's fucking a hot bartender, so Win Win!    

      

Finally, when there's like 10 seconds left to the episode, the Movie Star appears!  It's Uma Thurman, but you knew that already.  

This episode was called The Understudy, and I get it.