The show begins with a tedious Donald Trump voice over. There will be lots of "Mr. Trump" ass kissing tonight.
Your hosts for the evening are Mr. LoveMeLoveMeLoveMePleaseLoveMe Andy Cohen and the lovely and charming Guliana Rancic! She looks amazing.
First up is a fake fashion show so all the girls can ape fashion models as they strut down a runway wearing some no-name designer's over-done clothes! Plus, there are fake "reporters" lining the runway, brimming with fake excitement and bad acting! This show is going to be cheese to the max!
Miss Alabama walks like she was raised pushing a plow. Arkansas too.
Miss Georgia's name is Jazz!
Illinois is a looker! She's a corn fed gal, just like a certain NY Bureau Chief I know.
Massachusetts is cross eyed.
Miss Michigan is named Kristin Danyal. Miss Montana is named Autumn Muller. Miss Nevada is named Jade Kelsall. Miss Georgia is named Jazz! Are these porn names?
SC is cute.
It's Kelly Osbourne and Pretty Asian Girl! We're supposed to know who Pretty Asian Girl is, but I missed it.
The reigning Miss USA, Elisa Campanella from California is still stunning. Best Miss USA in a while.
OMG! It's time for the semi-finals!
Miss Tennessee! Gorge!
Miss Alabama! She's an Auburn grad whose passions include clay pigeon shooting!
Miss Maryland! She's applying to medical school!
Joisey's in the house, people!
Miss Texas! She's bold about her strong Christian faith and she wants to be a Victoria's Secret model!
Miss Oklahoma! Lauren Taylor Lundeen! With a name like that, she was born to be Miss Oklahoma.
Miss Louisiana! She graduated in 4 1/2 years from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette! Seriously, that's what she brags about. Only 4 1/2 years to finish state college.
Miss South Carolina! Whoop Whoop! That's Alabama (for Wes), South Carolina (for me) and Texas because it's a law that Texas has to place.
Miss Georgia! Jazz!
Miss Rhode Island! Eh.
Miss Arkansas! She put down the plow!
It's the "Celebrity judges!"
Marilu Henner! She can remember exactly what she was doing on February 9, 1975. Not kidding. Look it up.
Arsenio Hall! Loose the cap.
Rob Kardashian! E! isn't allowed to go on the air without a Kardashian.
Former Miss Universe, Pretty Latin Lady.
Cat Cora! Who is she again?
"Hottie" Joe Jonas. Eh, he's no Nick.
George Kotsiopoulos! Dream. Boat. Dreamboat.
Now is the time for the tour of the
It's a musical interlude from some act I've never heard of. For a reason. Cobra Starship. Didn't they kill the radio star?
Miss Tennessee is hot!
Miss Alabama is not!
Miss Ohio "loves teaching young girls how to ride horses." Sometimes the jokes are just too easy.
George Kostiopoulos, who would smoke any of these gals in swimsuit, says "The judges are looking for a healthy body." He's a bullshit artist, but I love him.
Miss Texas knows how to work a bikini.
Miss Oklahoma is the only one with bangs in the entire competition! Again. Jokes. Too easy.
Miss South Carolina was a personal assistant and nanny for Hugh Jackman! I hate her.
There were other girls, too. Let's move on.
Miss Congeniality is Miss Iowa! Miss Photogenic is Miss Oregon! They each get $1,000. Is that the best "Mr. Trump" can do?
Alabama! Oklahoma! Ohio! Georgia! Texas! Colorado! Joisey! Maryland! Rhode Island (wait, is she still in this?), Nevada! NOT South Carolina. I guess she'll have to console herself with her memories of Hugh Jackman. Bitch.
Let's get to know the top 10, shall we? There are time killing videos while they change into their evening gowns.
Miss Texas is inspired by her Nana!
Miss Georgia loves video games!
Miss Rhode Island believes that the eyes are the gateway to the soul. She said that with a straight face. She's going for the kill.
It's evening gown!
Miss Alabama is showing some leg.
Miss Oklahoma's dress is "like a party bowl of confetti." So says Pretty Asian Girl.
Miss Georgia is practically naked.
Miss Texas has an awfully deep plunge for a Bold Christian Girl.
Joisey does a twirl. "That's daring in a gown," says Pretty Asian Girl.
Georgia! Nevada! Rhode Island (wait, is she still in this?), Maryland! Ohio!
And now for a relaxed and candid moment with each of the girls and Andy and Guiliana.
Miss Rhode Island actually used the phrase "cognitive processes." That's the first interesting thing she's said all night.
Miss Maryland admires Angelina Jolie. Gag me.
Quick interview with George Kotsiopoulos (have I mentioned that he's a dreamboat?) and Rob Kardashian. Rob is a dumbshit. You can quote me.
It's question time! OMG!!!
Miss Georgia supports Mayor Bloomberg's ban on giant sodas.
Miss Nevada knows who the Vice President is! She's about a thousand times smarter than anyone else on that stage. Except Guliana. Maybe Andy.
Miss Rhode Island got the inevitable question about a transgender contestant. She flashes an "oh shit" look then plunges on. She says:
"I do not think that would be fair but I can understand that people would be a little apprehensive to take that road because there is a tradition of natural born women, but today where there are so many surgeries and so many poople out there who have a need to change for a happier life, I do accept that because I believe it's a free country."
Rhode Island just clinched it.
Miss Maryland got "hottie" Joe Jonas with some forgettable question about "strong women." She says pageant girls are "strong women."
Miss Ohio's example of a realistic, positive portrayal of women in film is Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. She played a hooker.
One last walk for the top 5 while Akon lip syncs something forgettable.
Elisa Campanella takes her final walk and thanks "Mr. Trump."
OMG! It's the Moment!
4th Runner up...Miss Georgia!
3rd Runner up...Miss Nevada!
2nd Runner up...Miss Ohio!
It's down to the stunning Miss Maryland and the trans-positive Miss Rhode Island! The winner is................
Miss Rhode Island! Good Night Everybody!