It's the Oscars!

The First Lady looked amazing.

I had high hopes for this year's Oscar telecast.  I figured with funny and cool Seth MacFarlane as host and with gay Broadway producers Neil Meron and Craig Zadan at the helm, how could it not be amazing?

Turns out amazing isn't quite the word.  Disappointing was LC NY Bureau Chief Doug's one-word review and he got it right.  From "Boobies" to "The Losers" this telecast was a series of missed opportunities and bits that fell flat.  It seemed to bounce from one unrelated thing to another and had the feel of a rough draft.  From the opening number, it was clear we were in for a long night.  It wasn't Rob Lowe and Snow White bad, but it wasn't nearly what it could have been.  Here are my thoughts recorded as I watched the show:

Live from the Dolby Theater, it's Seth MacFarlane!  He is so cute!

He starts with a Tommy Lee Jones joke that works, and Tarantino joke that doesn't and a great line about Jodie Foster:  "This show is being watched by a billion people worldwide, which is why Jodie Foster will be here to ask for her privacy."  

It's William Shatner as Captain Kirk, visiting from the future to warn Seth that he will go down as the worst Oscar host in history.  Case in point, "Boobies!"  A song about acclaimed actresses' bare bosoms in the movies.  It's just tacky and is only partly saved by the appearance of the Gay Men's Chorus of Los Angeles.  Get it?  Gays aren't into boobies?  It's irony!  The Captain Kirk bit goes on and on and on until Seth gets a mediocre review from the future.

Then Charlize Theron and Channing Tatum come out and dance for no particular reason.  This is followed by Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt dancing.  It's all very cute, but the opening number seems to have gone off in a totally different direction.

Finally, the opening is over and a gorgeous Octavia Spencer comes out to present Best Supporting Actor.  It's Christoph Waltz! An upset!  I thought it would be Tommy Lee Jones or De Niro.  I never saw Djanjo Unchained, but I do think Waltz is cute.

Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy present Best Animated Feature to Brave.  Another upset!  A man in a kilt and a woman dressed like a Can Can dancer accept the award.  I kind of love these people.

Blah blah blah, other stuff happens then Jennifer Anniston and Channing Tatum present Make-up and Hairstyling to Les Miserables and a woman in pink tights accepts the award.  My friend Roy says "did she just come from Jazzercize?"

Kilts, Can Can Dancers and pink tights are so much more interesting than  the usual array of Armani on the red carpet.

It's the tribute to 50 years of Bond with the stunning Halle Berry!  Then there's a montage clip and OMG DAME SHIRLEY BASSEY!  Goldfingah! Showstopper!

How fabulous does Dame Shirley look? 

Dame Shirley was amazing but do you know what was missing from the tribute to James Bond?  Any actor who has actually played James Bond.

Kerry Washington, who is on every awards show, and Jaime Foxx present Live Action Short to Curfew and the producer, Shawn Christensen is the cutest!

All the guys at our Oscar party gasped at his cuteness.

Blah blah blah, other stuff happens then Sean MacFarlane (lots of cute Sean/Shawns tonight) returns and says "The actor who really got into Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth."  Wow.  Just wow.  Nobody laughs.  Even after 150 years, assassination isn't funny.

The very hot Ben Affleck presents Best Documentary Feature and it does not go to How to Survive a Plague.

My note scribbled at this point in the show:  "Wow.  Seth really isn't that great."

JGar and JChas present Foreign Language Film to Amour as expected.  

John Travolta, who put in his long weave tonight, introduces a fairly pointless tribute to Dreamgirls, Chicago, and Les Miserables.  Don't get me wrong, I love all three movies and live for big, splashy production numbers, but this whole bit feels like it was planned when Les Miz was more of a front-runner.

The number was pretty darn fabulous, though.  First up was Oscar winner Catherine Zeta-Jones performing "All That Jazz" from Chicago.  Then Oscar winner Jennifer Hudson blew the roof off with "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" from Dreamgirls, and finally the cast of Les Miserables brought everyone to their feet.

Blah blah blah,other stuff happens then Marky Mark comes out with Ted the teddy bear and presents Sound Editing to...OMG IT'S A TIE!  Where's Barbra in peek-a-boo Scaasi when you need her?

Seth introduces Christopher Plummer with a pretty funny bit about the von Trapp Family singers.  Plummer doesn't seem to find it funny.  Best Supporting Actress is Ann Hathaway.  No surprise, but richly deserved.

Blah blah blah, other stuff happens and then JLaw introduces Adele who performs "Skyfall."  It's far from the best Bond song ever, but Adele owns it.

Daniel Radcliffe and Kristen Stewart walk out to present Production Design.  Stewart is limping badly and, even worse, her hair's a mess!  She can barely croak out her lines and seems crabbier than usual.  Apparently she cut her foot badly but was determined to go on stage sans crutches.  Who knew KStew was such a trouper?  The award goes to Lincoln, BTW.

Once again, the honorary Oscar recipients are given short-shrift.  They get to wave from the audience.

Clooney introduces the death reel.  It's surprisingly actor-light.  Interesting choices.  They left out Ann Rutherford, Oscar nominee Susan Tyrrell, and Andy Griffith, to name three off the top of my head.  It ends with Marvin Hamlish and Barbra Streisand comes out to sing "The Way We Were."  "Tell me, would we?  Of course we would."  Lovely.  

Barbra looked beautiful.

OK, let's take stock.  We've had Dame Shirley Bassey, Adele, Jennifer Hudson performing "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going", big production numbers from Chicago and Les Miz, Barbra Joan Streisand, Joseph Gordon-Levitt dancing with Daniel Radcliffe, and the Gay Mens' Chorus of Los Angeles.  It is officially the gayest Oscars ever.

So, why isn't it any better?

Norah Jones, graduate of the Booker T. Washington High School of the Performing Arts in Dallas, TX, performs the song from Ted.  Then Adele wins Best Original Song.  Adele the Oscar winner!

Dustin Hoffman and Charlize Theron present Best Adapted Screenplay to someone other than Tony Kushner.  Actually, it went to Tarantino for Django Unchained and he was played off with "Tara's Theme" from Gone With the Wind.  I supposed that music could have worked, in a perverse way, for either Tarantino or Kushner.

Jane Fonda, looking amazing, and Michael Douglas present Best Director to Ang Lee.  Sort of an upset, don't you think?

Jean DuJardin presents Best Actress to Jennifer Lawrence, as expected.  What wasn't expected was her fall on the steps.

Meryl Streep comes out looking for all the world like she's scratching her butt.  I suppose she's smoothing her gown, but that's not how it looks.

Best Actor goes to Daniel Day-Lewis.  Expected and deserved.  His acceptance speech is surprisingly funny.  "I persuaded Stephen that Lincoln shouldn't be a musical." 

Jack Nicholson comes out to present Best Picture and Oh My God it's the First Lady!  She looks stunning as she presents Best Picture to Argo, but I can't stop wondering why she's doing this?  There's no tie-in to any of her initiatives and the First Lady isn't a Hollywood celebrity.  My husband's take on why she did it?  "Because she could."  That's as good a reason as any.

That's it!  Good night everybody!  Oh wait, there's more.  Seth and Kristin Chenowith come out and sing "Here's to the Losers "  The sound was bad and it was hard to hear.

OK, now we're through.